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You are getting on my last
nerve
Lets face it. maintaining a healthy relationship isnot an easy task. It takes work and commitment by
both parties in
order for therelationship to
last. The key to
everyrelationship iseffective
communication.
She is always
in my face and
on my case!(continued pg. 2)
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Examples of You statements:
Judging/Labeling:
You are such a jerk
and a waste of my
time!
Accusing: You could
care less about me!
Blaming: You were the reason that we went
bankrupt!
Ordering: You shut up and leave me alone!
Questioning: Are you
always this
annoying
Arguing: You
always put your
two cents where it
doesnt belong.
Sarcasm: You are
such a genius.
Disapproval: You are such a fool.
Threatening: If you do that again, you will
never
Moralizing: You
shouldbecause it is
better that way.
Indulging:
You need to
.andso
that
Analyzing: It just bothers you that I am
successful!
When looking at how to improve a relationship,
the best place to start is to look at the
communication style of the parties involved. Every
individual wants to be heard and feel validated by
the other party. This desire often comes with the
individual expressing feelings and opinions about
their perception of the problem. They often do not
take responsibility for those emotions or opinions
that are shared. The personal feelings and opinions
are presented as
facts that should
be accepted by
the other party.
This causes
conflict and is a
hindrance in
promoting
effective
communication.
The best way toimprove communication is to take ownership of
personal feelings. The individual should effectively
communicate their emotions in an effort to avoid an
argument. The only way that this can be achieved is
if the other party is actually hearing what is being
expressed during the conversation. The key to this
method is to make statements that cause the
individual to listen to what is being said, hear the
points that are being made, and be responsive to the
concerns that are being shared.
I-statements are useful means of communication
that helps individuals to express their emotions in anon-combative fashion. Individuals should use these
statements in an effort to avoid the pitfall of blaming
others for emotional responses to circumstances and
behaviors. The statement can be used to express
emotions or an issue in a more accurate and peaceful
way. The individual who is making the statementdecreases the risk of the other party feeling
resentful, angry, or guilty. The other party will be in
a better position to focus his/her attention on the
issue, instead of feeling defensive over the issue.
People often wonder why they have problems in their relationships. They often attempt to justify
the problems or issues as being the result of the other persons failures. If he would just listen to me,
than everything would be just fineor She is never satisfied with anything that I do, so Im not even
gonna try anymore.These two statements are examples of several ways that individuals
communicate their frustrations about their relationships. Individuals frequently communicate
through commands, threats, principles, judgment, challenges, mind reading, or other such behaviors
that can cause the other party to become defensive. This type of communication often begins with the
pronounyou during arguments with one another. The use of this pronoun to communicate a
problem places the individual in the position of blaming the other party for the issues he or she has
instead of taking responsibility for their emotions. It also presents an argumentas being factual
when it is only an opinion and an over-generalization.
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The Anatomy of an I-Statement
The I-Statement is composed of three parts that will effectively communicate the emotion of the
other individual.
The first part involves the expression of emotion.
It is a self-disclosure that begins with, I feel and
is followed by a particular emotion. The use of the
word like after I feel does not communicate the
specific emotion that the individual is
experiencing. Statements such as, I feel like and
I feel like you are not good examples of how to
use an I-Statement. The use of It to preface an
expression of emotion is also unacceptable. It
makes me feel is placing the blame on it for the
emotion that is being experienced. It is important
to take personal responsibility for the emotion
since it is the individual and not anyone else who is
bringing attention to that emotional experience.
This is best accomplished through words that
describe the individuals emotions and that have no
direct implications towards the listener.
The second part of the I-Statement involves a
description of behavior that is the cause of the
emotion. The individual must describe the specific
observable behavior or conditions as it relates to
the expressed emotion. It is important to state the facts without adding any opinions, assumptions,
criticisms, commands or any other behaviors that can cause the other party to feel defensive. This
part generally is expressed by stating, When you(behavioral description). Describe only the facts
of what is being seen, heard, or sensed with specific observable characteristics.
The final part provides the other party with an explanation of why the behavior or conditions
causes the described emotion. It is important to keep in mind that the reason for the emotion could
be for various reasons. The emotion could be the result of how the intent or meaning behind the
behavior was interpreted. The listener is provided with insight into what interpretations, wants,
needs, memories, or anticipations support the emotions experienced by the individual. The other
party learns of the effect or consequences of the behavior. The provision of an explanation in the
statement is prompted by because in order to express why the individual is experiencing the
emotions.
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I feel worried and upset when I do not receive a phone call from you to let me know that you are going to be late.
I want you to call me so that I know where you are because I want to know that you are safe and that you are
not trying to disregard my feelings.
When I saw the big coffee stain on the rug, I felt angry because I did not know who spilled the coffee and the
reason why there was no attempt to clean it.
When you work during the evenings and weekends, I am feeling really sad because I want you to spend more
time with me.
It is important to know that effective communication does not necessarily guarantee that the individual(s) or
problematic conditions will change. I-statements are essential tools for expressing emotions, avoiding
arguments, and reducing misunderstandings. It allows for a calm discussion about the issue or behavior that can
prompt better cooperation from other individuals. The speaker can communicate his/her emotions and make
suggestions that will allow for the listener to understand what the speaker would like to happen if the same
behavior were to occur again. It can also provide a warning to the listener of a specific consequence for the
continuation of the specified behavior. The following statement is an example:
I feel upset when I do not receive a phone call from you to let me know that you are going to be late
because I expect to know where you are after school. If the behavior continues, I feel that I am goingto have to take away your privileges because you are not complying with my request to follow the
rules."
This example provides the child with an understanding of how the parent is feeling, the reason for the
emotion, the behavior that is a problem, the warning, and the consequence for the continuation of the
undesirable behavior.
So, if your goal is to have a healthy relationship, whether it is with a romantic or business relationship or
parental relationship, it is important to make a statement that relays the true nature of the intended message.
This is the key to effective communication that will help to build strong bonds.
To learn how you can enhance your relationships and build unity in your family, contact us to learn about our
webinars or personal consultation services.